The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
