I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
