I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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