Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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