420 ftw
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
