Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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