i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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