After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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