ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
