how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
FUCK WHALES
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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