I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
