I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
