you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
