Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
