I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
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