Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
