arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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