She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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