The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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