stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Your penis caused this!
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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