Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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