You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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