So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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