my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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