oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Randomize
