Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
this hospital has no fireball
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
God I need to hump something, right now.
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