fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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