piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Randomize