I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
