At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
