found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize