watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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