I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize