Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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