why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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