My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
