I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
