well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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