there was a trapeze. enough said
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
They have beer where we have blood.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
