I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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