ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
