I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
