i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
