The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
