Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize