it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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