I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
