i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
