So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
It's never too late to be topless.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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