Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
