I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
We named our party play list daddy issues
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
