if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
