I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
