i think my tv is drunk
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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