I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
