we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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