All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Randomize
