If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
