Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
